Because I’m His Fangirl

It’s been more than four years since I’ve become a fangirl. I love the feeling of being in love and addicted to my ichiban. He gives me strength to overcome stress and reason to live. His existence is very significant to my life. Everything about him seems to be very beautiful. Sometimes I already find it strange because I don’t know anymore what makes me love him more each day. Every fangirl knows that Chinen Yuri is good-looking, cute, attractive, talented, interesting etc. But those characteristics aren’t the only things that make me say I love him more and more.  There’s other reason, a deep and indescribable one, which put me in this unrequited love for many years now.  That reason, I also don’t know. I know there’s a reason but it’s ok if I don’t find it out. It’s alright for me to believe in something that I couldn’t see because as long as I feel it, I know it exists. Loving Chinen Yuri with all of my heart has been one of the things I haven’t failed to do in my life. He’s now a part of my own existence. Without him, I’m not complete, I WILL NOT BE ME. I really sound crazy every time I say that I couldn’t live without him but I guess I’m just saying the truth. I can’t go back to the past anymore where everything seems like normal and conventional. Chinen is a big part of my present and he will always be forever and ever. I have loved him not just because he’s an idol but because he’s a wonderful person that has given me a feeling I haven’t felt before with other people. He’s different, exceptional and out of reach. Even if we’re living in different worlds, I’m still hoping one day that he will at least realize my existence.

It’s really hard to become a fangirl who seriously fall in love with her idol. The feelings that aren’t reciprocated, it’s really saddening and heartbreaking. But still, I continue to love and give more and more. Sometimes I can feel that I love him more than I love myself. He’s really something. He has changed my life. I can’t forget about him. He will always be here, in my heart. I’ve tried to erase him in my system but I can’t. It feels like I won’t forgive myself if I would do something like that.

I’m happy that I’m somehow surviving with this life. And I know, Chinen is a special someone that I must say “Thank You” to. Even if I haven’t met him in person, I believe he’s really my soulmate. And I pray to God that he will also be my true love.

ps: Chinen is also the reason why I cut my hair short. I love my long hair but because I have so many thoughts in my head last week, I decided cut it. I want to change my life. I want to be happy in ways that I know… in ways that I can. I’m a fangirl and I won’t stop to be one.  

-chiRina-

My Chinen Fanvids (just a quick short post)

My very first youtube account which I used for uploading of my fan videos had been terminated/ deleted due to copyrights' thingies. That's why the Youtube links of my fanvids in my previous blogs aren't working anymore. 

I can't refrain myself from doing fanvids so I made another account/s again. I've done two Chinen fanvids last year and here are they: 

Disclaimer: I do not own any single thing in the fan videos! The images and videos of Chinen that I used aren't mine! Credits to the rightful owners.

Enjoy watching~ !

4th Year in the Fandom, YAY!

I celebrated my 4^th anniversary in the fandom last Monday, June 25.  Honestly, I couldn’t recall the exact date when I first became a fangirl. All I know was that it was around the year 2008. And because I was so confused in the past to what month I actually became a fangirl, I marked the July 14^th date. I thought of this date since July 2008 was around that time when I’d watched Hey!SayJUMP’s “Your Seed” in Music Station. This was during that moment when I’ve become so interested in Chinen. I just chose the 14^th day randomly so that I can mark a date for an anniversary. But, something came upon that changed the month and day of my anniversary in the fandom.

I saved my Friendster profile last year and found something interesting while reading my friends’ comments. This is what I’ve found out:

click image to enlarge

One of my close friends, Jonille, made a comment about Chinen in my FS profile which dated on June 25, 2008. Jonille and I had been seatmates for two years when we were in high school. She was my seatmate during our 2^nd to 3^rd year of high school. This could be the main reason why we’ve become friendly and attached to each other. I’ve often talked my hobbies and interests with her. And I can feel that she’s very open-minded about it since she was once a fangirl of Arashi. I really really love her. Thanks to her I can finally celebrate my anniversary in the fandom earlier than what I first thought. 

This is Jonille :)

I didn’t do anything much last Monday. I didn’t have time for a sumptous celebration. I’ve been saving money and been very busy at school. It was just a normal day for me. But to make it at least feel special and a bit memorable, I took a photo of myself holding my jumbo uchiwa of Chinen (that’s from their Asia Tour). I also wore the “cross” necklace I bought maybe two weeks ago. It looks like the necklace Chinen used to wear long ago.  I immediately purchased it since I still have some savings left during that time. (laughs) 

Fangirling all by myself

I’m indeed very happy that I’m still a fangirl of Chinen Yuri ‘til now.

I'm A Horrible Fan

This is me when I’m in my normal fangirl self. Most of the time, I’m smiling whenever I’m fangirling over Chinen. His smile is very contagious. It could make me forget all the problems and depressions I have in life. That’s why his smile is one of the best things I’ve ever seen in this world but… something is troubling my mind and heart right now.

Chinen Yuri has a new drama entitled “Sprout.” It’s a drama adaptation from a manga. When the drama was just still a rumor, I was very excited about it. I was all hyped up and wished it was true. And days later, it was confirmed. Chinen will be the lead male character in “Sprout.” They also mentioned that there’ll be a kissing scene and this made fans (especially Chinen’s fans) crazy and enthusiastic. And I was one of those fangirls who have been in that energetic state. I couldn’t wait to see Chinen’s first romantic kiss! I really wanted to see more of his manly side that’s why I said that I’ll anticipate the drama. But that was only what I thought AT FIRST.

The CM/trailer of the drama series is already out. After I watched it, my feelings have changed. I’m so confused with all the negative emotions I’m feeling. I’m so miserable and most of all, jealous. I feel like breaking apart while watching that 16-second, slow motioned drama trailer. It’s like seeing my boyfriend (yeah I know it’s self-proclaimed) having fun with some cute and pretty girls in bathing suits chasing each other in the beach. It’s like he’s cheating on me. I’m so angry at him.

I REALLY HATE CHINEN YURI RIGHT NOW.

I never thought I’ll be as fragile as this. I thought I’ve already become matured and open-minded enough about this kind of stuffs. I thought I’m ready to see him grow as a man who will fall in love someday and will be happy with some nice and deserving girl. But I was wrong… I can’t be happy for him for the time being. Sprout is only a drama but I’ve become affected this much! I’ve been a fangirl of him for 4 years. And I haven’t loved anyone as much as I love him. I’ve become addicted and obsessed to him. There were times in the past I realized that I must stop this insanity but there’s always something that brings me back to him. He’s exceptional. He makes me happy in ways I never thought he could. For me, he’s so beautiful that sometimes I already find it weird but still wonderful.

I can’t bring myself to like “Sprout.” It will be hard for me to support it. If I were to watch it, it will be like killing me slowly and painfully. I still have some love left for myself. And I don’t want to hate the girl because she’s innocent too (just like Chinen) that’s why the best solution for now is not to watch their drama unless my mindset changes.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning ready to sacrifice the selfishness I have in my heart.