I'm A Horrible Fan

This is me when I’m in my normal fangirl self. Most of the time, I’m smiling whenever I’m fangirling over Chinen. His smile is very contagious. It could make me forget all the problems and depressions I have in life. That’s why his smile is one of the best things I’ve ever seen in this world but… something is troubling my mind and heart right now.

Chinen Yuri has a new drama entitled “Sprout.” It’s a drama adaptation from a manga. When the drama was just still a rumor, I was very excited about it. I was all hyped up and wished it was true. And days later, it was confirmed. Chinen will be the lead male character in “Sprout.” They also mentioned that there’ll be a kissing scene and this made fans (especially Chinen’s fans) crazy and enthusiastic. And I was one of those fangirls who have been in that energetic state. I couldn’t wait to see Chinen’s first romantic kiss! I really wanted to see more of his manly side that’s why I said that I’ll anticipate the drama. But that was only what I thought AT FIRST.

The CM/trailer of the drama series is already out. After I watched it, my feelings have changed. I’m so confused with all the negative emotions I’m feeling. I’m so miserable and most of all, jealous. I feel like breaking apart while watching that 16-second, slow motioned drama trailer. It’s like seeing my boyfriend (yeah I know it’s self-proclaimed) having fun with some cute and pretty girls in bathing suits chasing each other in the beach. It’s like he’s cheating on me. I’m so angry at him.

I REALLY HATE CHINEN YURI RIGHT NOW.

I never thought I’ll be as fragile as this. I thought I’ve already become matured and open-minded enough about this kind of stuffs. I thought I’m ready to see him grow as a man who will fall in love someday and will be happy with some nice and deserving girl. But I was wrong… I can’t be happy for him for the time being. Sprout is only a drama but I’ve become affected this much! I’ve been a fangirl of him for 4 years. And I haven’t loved anyone as much as I love him. I’ve become addicted and obsessed to him. There were times in the past I realized that I must stop this insanity but there’s always something that brings me back to him. He’s exceptional. He makes me happy in ways I never thought he could. For me, he’s so beautiful that sometimes I already find it weird but still wonderful.

I can’t bring myself to like “Sprout.” It will be hard for me to support it. If I were to watch it, it will be like killing me slowly and painfully. I still have some love left for myself. And I don’t want to hate the girl because she’s innocent too (just like Chinen) that’s why the best solution for now is not to watch their drama unless my mindset changes.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning ready to sacrifice the selfishness I have in my heart.