Because I’m His Fangirl

It’s been more than four years since I’ve become a fangirl. I love the feeling of being in love and addicted to my ichiban. He gives me strength to overcome stress and reason to live. His existence is very significant to my life. Everything about him seems to be very beautiful. Sometimes I already find it strange because I don’t know anymore what makes me love him more each day. Every fangirl knows that Chinen Yuri is good-looking, cute, attractive, talented, interesting etc. But those characteristics aren’t the only things that make me say I love him more and more.  There’s other reason, a deep and indescribable one, which put me in this unrequited love for many years now.  That reason, I also don’t know. I know there’s a reason but it’s ok if I don’t find it out. It’s alright for me to believe in something that I couldn’t see because as long as I feel it, I know it exists. Loving Chinen Yuri with all of my heart has been one of the things I haven’t failed to do in my life. He’s now a part of my own existence. Without him, I’m not complete, I WILL NOT BE ME. I really sound crazy every time I say that I couldn’t live without him but I guess I’m just saying the truth. I can’t go back to the past anymore where everything seems like normal and conventional. Chinen is a big part of my present and he will always be forever and ever. I have loved him not just because he’s an idol but because he’s a wonderful person that has given me a feeling I haven’t felt before with other people. He’s different, exceptional and out of reach. Even if we’re living in different worlds, I’m still hoping one day that he will at least realize my existence.

It’s really hard to become a fangirl who seriously fall in love with her idol. The feelings that aren’t reciprocated, it’s really saddening and heartbreaking. But still, I continue to love and give more and more. Sometimes I can feel that I love him more than I love myself. He’s really something. He has changed my life. I can’t forget about him. He will always be here, in my heart. I’ve tried to erase him in my system but I can’t. It feels like I won’t forgive myself if I would do something like that.

I’m happy that I’m somehow surviving with this life. And I know, Chinen is a special someone that I must say “Thank You” to. Even if I haven’t met him in person, I believe he’s really my soulmate. And I pray to God that he will also be my true love.

ps: Chinen is also the reason why I cut my hair short. I love my long hair but because I have so many thoughts in my head last week, I decided cut it. I want to change my life. I want to be happy in ways that I know… in ways that I can. I’m a fangirl and I won’t stop to be one.  

-chiRina-