I can HATE everything but not Chinen Yuri

I'm starting to HATE everything around me right now. It's just too unfair living in this WORLD. People around you can make you cry any time and I really HATE that bitter reality. I'm stressed and always will be because I'm already in COLLEGE (define HELL). I feel like I want to burst out because of a lot of difficulties I'm encountering in school. I have failed a lot of my exams and I'm really ashamed of it. I don't know how to face my parents if they find out that my grades are fluctuating. I am really doing my best with studying even though I also do fangirling. I manage them in a way that neither one of them can be a hindrance to one another. I can now resist myself from fangirling if I have lots of school works to do. And if I have free time, I do fangirling in the most enjoyable way that I can. 

At this moment, I HATE my school from the bottom of my heart! I hate MANY people and things, the OTHER teachers, the fake friends, the users, the exams, the school works, the environment, the gloomy atmosphere, the noise, EVERYTHING! They make me the most miserable person in earth! They're the STUPID things that when I think of, all the bad vibes will ruin my mood. I really don't want to be like this... I'm not suppose to be like this. But the rope of my patience finally breaks and I can't keep this inside anymore. I'm bursting because of HATRED right now. Other things around me have been affected too, I guess it can't be helped. I get mad at my family and also friends and other loved ones. They don't understand a thing about me. They don't know how much misery I'm going through right now. Nobody cares and I'm getting weaker and weaker every day. I can't do this ALONE. I really can't.... Can I die now?

One person that I can't HATE is CHINEN YURI, honestly... He's a reason why I'm still breathing right now. Just a smile from him makes my day just fine. I really don't know how he became this much special to me. All I know is this is the feeling of LOVING someone dearly. He doesn't know me personally but I at least know some things about him because I'm an obsessive reader of his magazine interviews (thank you so much for all the translators!). More than words can express how much is my LOVE for him. He's someone that's very exceptional to my heart. I may sound INSANE right now but the feeling of loving HIM will never end until forever is over. 

I didn't know that it will HURT this MUCH

I really like her, truly I do. She has become a part of my life now because we've been friends. I thought she can already read and understand my personality. But I guess, I made a false impression on her. I didn't know that a FRIENDSHIP will sink as easy as that with ONLY a single post in FB. hahahahahahaha :'-((

I guess this is LIFE, my MISERABLE life. There's no such thing as PERMANENT into this world. I have to accept that our friendship will come to an end soon and yeah, it really came to an end the moment  she hesitate to believe and trust in me. Too bad for my life, I'm always like this. I've always been left out by people I thought I can share my happy memories and sweet times to. I still like HER indeed.. nope, I L<3VE HER! She's a friend and she already have a place in my heart. But she already did the first and last step to break our bonds together. I HATE TO BE ME! I'm hurting but since i don't want to talk and make a fuss about that stupid misunderstanding, the case will be closed right at this moment. I only WISH she understood what I've posted before she reacted but she didn't did that. I feel so little.. I don't hate her I'm just hurt. 

I'm really glad that I can rant my feelings here besides from FB because I don't really want her to see this post. 
SAYONARA, DEMO DAISUKI DA 'YO! I don't really want our friendship to end because I already grew up loving you as a friend even if we're only ONLINE friends but YOU already ended it up. I don't have the right to go against your will. 

Fangirling with my Okaa-san

Just awhile ago, me and my mother were watching the drama Nanako to Nanao which Chinen I think starred in here when he was 9? (not so sure about his age in here). I never thought that my mom would be that interested in watching it. I was like, 'is she sick?' because she suddenly wants to watch it together with me. My mom really doesn't support me in my fangirling activies (i.e watching, downloading, buying goods, FLAILING). She's against it because she thought I'm being crazy with WORTHLESS things. For me those things are not worthless because they're precious to me and I can't live LIFE without CHINEN. 

I'm really HAPPY right now because my okaa-san little by little accepting the FACT that SHE has a CRAZY FANGIRL DAUGHTER. hahaha. xD

YEAH, I'm really CRAZILY in love with CHINEN YURI, and I will not be tired of saying this over and over AGAIN! Back to nanako to nanao movie viewing, while me and my mom were watching it, I'll explain to her every important scenes because she's TOO LAZY to read the subtitles. She complains that it flashes real FAST. When the movie finished, she was gone out to watch a TV show on the living room (what a random person). She doesn't said a thing about the ending of nanako to nanao. And me, I was just explaining the scenes and ranting about Chinen's cuteness until the end of our movie viewing...After that, I did this blog. ^_^

I'm not REALLY a HAPPY FANGIRL

This is me wearing an ARASHI personalized shirt.. I'm indeed sucked at editing the design.. I must have put  a  DARKER shade of PINK so that the word "FANGIRL" can be easily noticed. 

I'm really happy when i first got this shirt. I wear it at school and I can feel that other people look at it. Maybe they're just curious what's on my shirt. Others said it's a Chinese character but oh well, it's the KANJI of ARASHI. One major reason why I love wearing this shirt at school sometimes, is because i just want to meet FANGIRLS too. I become very happy when I meet someone who has same interests as mine. 

To be honest I really like to be alone. I don't welcome new people to my life but if you're a fangirl or someone  I can see a resemblance of myself, then LET ME KNOW YOU so that I can know if you're someone I can TRUST on. When I started being a COLLEGE student, I have met lots of people and they're attitudes really are DIVERSE. I find others "user-friendly" and only few of them have been true to me. I really don't trust people so easily because of my past experiences of being betrayed and used. But still until now, I have been used by a lot of people at times. And because of that, I have to bear with it since I'm the type of a person  that remains her MOUTH ZIPPED. I'll just HATE them from the bottom of my HEART and wish that I would never ever meet them again in the FUTURE.